Arizona

I have a fantasy. No, it's not some kind of Penthouse Forum crap, it's an actual real tangible fantasy. It goes like this: I get really stressed out over my kids, my bills, my life... and I then hit a moment of madness next to calm where I think.... screw this... I AM MOVING TO ARIZONA.

I remember the first time I ever uttered it. My ex, Shawn, was deep in the throes of his affair with ***** and his guilt was causing the usual "blame the wife" stuff... me, 29 year old meek and mild virgin bride me at the time, blamed myself for everything he supposedly found fault with.... I looked him in the eye on the couch and said, "You know, you are right... I really am awful... I think it may be best for you and the kids if I just move far far away, maybe I should just leave and move to Arizona."

He looked at me with bewilderment, amusement, and probably fear of having to take care of three little kids and said... "Honey, don't even think of doing that!"

That clinched it. That peaceful feeling of release became then and forever my favorite fantasy.

Arizona. Don't know a soul there, but I love the pictures. I could drive out there, get a job... waitressing probably, although I can't waitress... okay, maybe a job at a school or painting.... I make friends, send some postcards to my kids and my mom, and live anonymously. Live simply, flirt with some nice tanned guys, and let Shawn take care of the kids.

Well, they are much older now, almost 17, 14 and 13.... and today was a prime day for the Arizona thought. I've done it all so far, alone for the past almost 8 years, and maybe I really should do this. Just .... go. My friend Lee, who I just told the secret fantasy to tonight, said that Shawn would be offering me money and incentives to stay immediately... kids would cramp his country club life way too much. And *****, imagine her horror... kids messing up her house daily instead of once or twice a month!!!

Ah, Arizona. How I love you.