Valentine's Day

I just wrote this to someone tonight:

"I have an uncanny ability to find diamonds in the rough, be kind of a muse to them, and when we part they end up marrying happily and/or have great careers. I feel kind of like the good fairy that swoops away to let the magic happen, or sometimes like "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"... it sucks sometimes that I usually end up the one curling up with my pillows at night while all you lovely ex-boyfriends(and one husband) are all happily married with your great jobs..... One of my friends said that it is because I don't LET myself actually fall in love fully with any of them when I, in actuality, could have been happy with any or all of them."

wow, that sounds really conceited.

I am really, really, really hormonal/tired/confused/weepy tonight.

so, I listen to the Weepies and get more weepy.

I love them. I hate them. I love them. They are me sometimes. Most times.

ah.

And then, there are my beloved icons... angels and mermaids.

what are they? untouchable, incapable of human, or sexual love, just within reach but quick to fly or swim away.

what will it take for me to take a chance on love again?

will it be a sudden leap of faith, or a dragging and kicking across the line into loved land?

No amount of psychology classes, no amount of books, nothing really to plan on or do.

Just a bewildered confusion on what it is that makes me flee.

Valentine's Day.....four more days.