39

I am now 39. Nine years ago, as I turned 30, my world turned upside down. Ass over teakettle upside down. That birthday, my ex-husband forgot my birthday, took the kids to BiLo and got a carrot cake for me, and a large bristled toothbrush with a plastic hook hanger to hang on my mirror on my side of the double sink. He got one for him, too. Then, a few weeks later, I learned that he needed freedom. And wanted me to stay down here so he could be near the kids.... meaning that I would be all alone 1000 miles away from my family. That was my welcome to the thirty-something club.

Funny thing was, it was like a pineapple upside down cake, that life changing summer, because it set me free. Free from a marriage that was sad and unhappy, free for me to find the Jana I had lost, and free to find true love.

I used to think that you needed to find ONE TRUE LOVE, end of story, happily ever after, The End. But, you know what? That may happen, but rarely. More often that not, you find a few people that you fall in love with, and you learn from them, and when you part you can leave as friends and be thankful for the wisdom they gave you. Since Shawn, I have dated a few fellas. And, I loved them all. Not just a little bit, either. Truly, madly, deeply loved them all. I didn't want to marry all of them, but I loved them just the same. Some taught me how to cry, some taught me how to laugh. Some taught me how to fix stuff, and some how to cook better. Three sang to me. One wrote me a song. Two gave me watches. Three gave me necklaces. One wanted me to have a baby with him, well, technically two but one of them was a joke. A few wanted to marry me. Two of them broke my heart again, but that time I recovered better than with Shawn. Three were good kissers. One took me to watch meteors. Two took me on moonlit swims. My kids loved one of them. All cared for me and helped me regain my confidence, and helped me to be as strong as I was before the marriage.

So, now that I am in the magical last year of this decade of my life, what does life hold in store for me? Will I continue to be single? Will I meet the man that I shall marry? There is a part of me that wants to belong to someone, to close my eyes and just let down my guard and allow love to find me. I fully admit that I have put up a block to prevent true love to find me.... in fact, I have subconciously (or perhaps consciously?) even chosen to date unavailable men. I choose the men that sought me out for my empathy, and my ability to help "fix" them. All had sad stories of alcohol addiction, or failed relationships or marriages. I clearly remember the conversation I had with my dearest male friend when I had that epiphany... just like the twangy country song, I had become a "Sucker for a Fixer Upper Man"

This birthday was different. I had a yummy cake delivered by a trio of children at my church for a surprise birthday party for the Wednesday Morning Play Day, and on my real birthday all the members of the week-long Full Church Bible School serenaded me.. then, the teenagers and the little children and I had our finale outside with green slime, chocolate pudding, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and more. It was fun, it was messy, the heat went away with the cool garden hose, and failed marriages and broken hearts were the last things on my mind. A mom asked, "Is that how you wanted to spend your birthday?"

and of course, I said, "YES!"

Later that night, after the goop was washed out of my hair and a storm raged outside, I met some friends uptown for a drink, then over to Tina's house for a glass of my birthday wine from Andy. Life is good. Life is very good. Man, no man, husband, single, all I know is that I have great kids, great family, great friends, great jobs, great house, and a happy future ahead of me.

39 will be a very good year.