Coincidences, Serendipity, Life and Death

At work today, I got a phone call from my brother in law, Joe; I had just run across the street to get chicken salad lunch plates from Lee's restaurant, and had left late because of talking... had I left on time, I would have gotten his call unprepared... serendipity. Marsha told me he called, I was able to breathe, prepare, shore up for when he called back.

And, he called to say that my Dad is very ill, and expected not to make it. They have called me with that before, but this time, I think it may be "the time". Rev. Terry and Marsha were concerned, and came into my office after to see about me... and, I was able to be calm, not break down. Until I described what it like to say goodbye to him, knowing that was the last time he would know me, and perhaps the last time I would see him living. How he looked at me so long, just looked and looked at me... he knew I was driving back to SC, knew me. He knew me.

And, so, I composed myself. Because, I choose life each time. I choose light. I choose to smile rather than frown. Although, I know I need the darkness, the crying, the down.

I called, found out more tonight, and feel that it may indeed be his last days/hours on this planet. Did he make peace? Did he atone? Does he feel that he has accomplished all he was wanting to do in this life?

I think of this as I search for flights home, as I listen to music to distract me from the uncertainty of when, what to do, how to handle the situation of bringing the kids or leaving them with family, etc. I put on the Weepies, and attempt to play "Somebody Loved".. and it loads with that name on the title, yet, it plays a different song entirely, one I didn't know. I look it up, and find it is somehow interchanged and for that moment in time the scramble gave me a song called "Gotta Have You"by the Weepies, and, I cry. *

I cry for not having the Dad of my fairy tales, cry for losing the one I am about to lose.

I cry for not having a husband that loves me.

I cry for breaking up with my best friend, the only true friend I have down here.

I cry for being exhausted 24/7 from not sleeping.

I cry for being overwhelmed with bills and broken stuff that I cannot fix, and issues I can't resolve

I cry for all the days I smile and be upbeat for others, and not get that in return when I need it most

I cry for holding it in too long

I cry for the sugar I eat to make me feel better that changes my body

Yet

I am grateful for the song that made the tears come

I am grateful for my job that fulfills me so much

I am grateful to have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and food to feed my kids.

I am grateful that I had that best friend for all these years, and that he has the chance to find the girl that will fulfill the requests I could not.. ie, being more available and more relationship focused

I am grateful for the beauty of nature, the sun and the moon

I am grateful for the awesome health of my children, and my mother

I am grateful for the abundance of the cosmos that always provides when I need it most

I am grateful.

And, I may fly home, for the circle of life continues and there is a season for every purpose under Heaven.

* Lyrics for The Weepies
"Gotta Have You"

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...