d r i v e

This is what I looked at for 1000 miles up, and a 1000 miles back. Nothing but freaking traffic, road, yuck.

But, when I finally got there, Maine was as beautiful as ever and I am oh so glad I went.

I'll post more about the trip later, I am late as usual and need to get going with my day!!!! Why am I always 10 paces behind myself, I do believe I must be ADD. grrr

Kid #3

This is Jadie -baby, my youngest child. She turned 14 on July 31st, and is known for her wacky sense of humor and laughter. What can I say about this kid, other than she is an angel on earth? Seriously. She has done more to brighten all our world than anyone I have ever met. She is sweet, caring, funny, smart, I just can't say enough about her. That she is turning from a kid to a teenager is not as dramatic as it is for some parents, for she retains a childlike quality that will last throughout her life. She is so tender hearted to her friends, and fiercely protects the underdog. She is great at finding new music and photography. I am proud to be her Mum.

happy heart, heavy heart

I love my clogs.
That I painted with
left over paint
on shabby scuffed clogs.

I love my new necklace.
That I made from shells
and stones myself.

I love that my kids are healthy.
And happy, and loved.

I love warm autumn days with trees the colors of jewels.

I love that my sons are learning to play the guitar and challenge eachother to play "Stairway to Heaven" and Bob Marley.

I love that my daughter and her friend Amelia invited me to have coffee with them at their favorite coffee shop.

I love so very much.

But it all helps to mask the pain, and keep me busy enough to not slow down enough to realize that my father, the man I really don't know, is dying 1000 miles from me and I am too scared to call him.

We will drive to Maine probably this weekend, if all goes well, and it will be wrenching and sad and strange.

And yet, although I know better, and I have been warned, I am keeping it all bottled up inside and not allowing myself to cry over it.

Because I am guilty for not being there to help.

Because I am afraid that when I cry, I'll be crying for the dad I wish I had instead of the one I do have.

Because I know that is selfish.

Because I know that he is the product of a grandfather and father and countless other men before him that suffered from alcoholism, and that he has zero memory of half of why it's hard for me to be around him.

Because if I cry, I'll be vulnerable and I try so hard to be strong and tough and full of light and happiness.

So, I smile in the sunshine, and am melancholy in the light of the moon,

and I may drive up there to say goodbye.

This song is beautiful: I Never Saw Blue Like That Before