snow

Dad sent me some snow.

((my camera cord to connect to up load photos is MIA, I will do that soon))

Yes, snow.

The funeral home, the funeral, the graveside service, going to his home, spending time with my Mom, my sister and eldest brother, cousins, family, it all went by too quickly

the planes, the airports, it all is so surreal that it all spanned just a few days

I sat on the plane and looked down and heard this song play over and over in my mind:

Such Great Heights (acoustic version by Iron and Wine)   *click to listen

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

and I realize that so much of my life has a soundtrack.

I spoke at Dad's funeral... I had sat on the plane on the way North on Friday and couldn't come up with anything, when miracles of miracles the sun broke from the cloud cover and pulsed through the window directly opposite my seat to my right- so much sun on me that I was blinded... and able to know exactly what to write and how to say it.

My eulogy had to do with one of the few "lessons" my father told me.... when I was young and pulled the boat to shore closer with a rope to tie on a rusty big ring affixed to a rock at the Alliquippa, Dad said, "If you care about your boat, you'd better learn to tie a good knot"

that was the basis of the eulogy... a knot tied too tight will break, one too loose will lose what you hold dear... so, tie your knots of friendship, family, loved ones... because there is no time like the present to love and care for eachother, no better time to call or see a friend or family member.. we must learn to tie good knots. This, amidst lots of tears. The whole room cried when I asked them to remember our other brother, Dwight, as he lives his days in his facility for head injured adults.

I've always said I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, today counts, and never has that been more poignantly realized than this weekend. It is sad to lose a loved one, and hard to say goodbye, but we were so fortunate to see Dad when he still knew us, and he had the luxury of deciding what to do with his estate, and to make his preferences for his funeral arrangements. My ex's husband's father's death by contrast was sudden and unpredicted- he died while having brunch after a workout at the gym. I am not sure which scenario I'd rather have, honestly, other than I would like to live a long, happy life and die in my sleep.

I choose that.

and the snow? I think it symbolizes a cleansing for the past, a whitening, an eraser for a chalkboard of hurt feelings in our family, a chance to start anew.

Rest in Peace, my father.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying, no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine.

And so, the day ends. Pammy told me he was gone while I stood in my gorgeous sage green and white office while I held Jade's old cell phone to my ear. I shut my door, sat in the guest chair in front of my desk and just hugged my legs... the tears sprung from my eyes and I could actually see them splash to the carpet below. She told me he was in no pain, they were all around him, she was crying and sobbing and I am not sure if I heard her words as much as I felt them. And as fast as she called, she left.. me, alone, 1000 miles away, alone in this state where I have adopted family but no real loved ones.

I tried to compose, as Marsha had to leave to take her husband to the cancer doctor this afternoon. She unlocked the door and hugged me, and let me cry a bit, and comforted me. When she left later, she told me she loved me. I alternated between feeling that I was out of body and feeling panicky to just plodding along, copying the church bulletin, folding them and putting on the mailing labels, when the inside cover caught my eye, listing that my father died today, in Maine.

and I lost it again.

My father, he is with his brothers, sisters and parents now. He is in no pain, and for that I am thankful. He is gone, and I have no father. And I feel about five years old right now and I would expect that my sister has drank enough Bailey's Irish Cremes and taken enough anti anxiety pills to cause an allergic reaction, yet she will sleep tonight. And on Friday, I will drive at 3:00 in the morning to take a plane home, have the visiting hours that night, and the funeral on Saturday.

My eyes hurt on fire, my cheeks sting from salty tears, and I have no idea how I am going to handle being at this. God, please be my strength.

my dad

My Dad.

July 10, 1930 - January 10, 2007

coin operated boy

That's what I am looking for. Someone to smooch.

right.

Truth is, I am so sick to death of guys that my journey towards mission work (cooler than a convent since I don' t want to be a Catholic) is closer than ever.

Yup, I am done. Or, at least done with men that decide to be needy and want to discuss our relationship... "you, bad, me, perfect" precisely during a crisis that I am going through. When normal human beings would gently offer support, not push, wait to bring up issues... I tend to attract the people that freak out when the focus isn't on them because... say, I've just returned from a stressful trip home to visit dying father? finished a grueling few weeks of the busiest work season? deal with having oldest child go off to college while still grieving father dying a 1000 miles away?

Yes, I am done with men like that. I am honestly really now getting the fact that I am not a despicable person after all ... one that that strings men around and won't commit to them... I am just choosing people that continue to drain me emotionally. I support, I smile, I help, I try hard to be there when needed... and when I am hurting, I get handed the golden platter of complaints. "You don't call, you don't come over, you don't stay with me long enough, you don't make an effort, ..... you don't... you don't." Never the list of what I do right, always what I do wrong.

Is it truly this hard? Shouldn't love be easy, and "treat others the way you want to be treated"? I am not discounting the help that these men give, for they usually do, sometimes giving so much material things to the point that you feel like your are bought. but when it comes to pushing someone to the brink of climbing the walls of stress, they rank as champions.

I give up.

Coincidences, Serendipity, Life and Death

At work today, I got a phone call from my brother in law, Joe; I had just run across the street to get chicken salad lunch plates from Lee's restaurant, and had left late because of talking... had I left on time, I would have gotten his call unprepared... serendipity. Marsha told me he called, I was able to breathe, prepare, shore up for when he called back.

And, he called to say that my Dad is very ill, and expected not to make it. They have called me with that before, but this time, I think it may be "the time". Rev. Terry and Marsha were concerned, and came into my office after to see about me... and, I was able to be calm, not break down. Until I described what it like to say goodbye to him, knowing that was the last time he would know me, and perhaps the last time I would see him living. How he looked at me so long, just looked and looked at me... he knew I was driving back to SC, knew me. He knew me.

And, so, I composed myself. Because, I choose life each time. I choose light. I choose to smile rather than frown. Although, I know I need the darkness, the crying, the down.

I called, found out more tonight, and feel that it may indeed be his last days/hours on this planet. Did he make peace? Did he atone? Does he feel that he has accomplished all he was wanting to do in this life?

I think of this as I search for flights home, as I listen to music to distract me from the uncertainty of when, what to do, how to handle the situation of bringing the kids or leaving them with family, etc. I put on the Weepies, and attempt to play "Somebody Loved".. and it loads with that name on the title, yet, it plays a different song entirely, one I didn't know. I look it up, and find it is somehow interchanged and for that moment in time the scramble gave me a song called "Gotta Have You"by the Weepies, and, I cry. *

I cry for not having the Dad of my fairy tales, cry for losing the one I am about to lose.

I cry for not having a husband that loves me.

I cry for breaking up with my best friend, the only true friend I have down here.

I cry for being exhausted 24/7 from not sleeping.

I cry for being overwhelmed with bills and broken stuff that I cannot fix, and issues I can't resolve

I cry for all the days I smile and be upbeat for others, and not get that in return when I need it most

I cry for holding it in too long

I cry for the sugar I eat to make me feel better that changes my body

Yet

I am grateful for the song that made the tears come

I am grateful for my job that fulfills me so much

I am grateful to have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and food to feed my kids.

I am grateful that I had that best friend for all these years, and that he has the chance to find the girl that will fulfill the requests I could not.. ie, being more available and more relationship focused

I am grateful for the beauty of nature, the sun and the moon

I am grateful for the awesome health of my children, and my mother

I am grateful for the abundance of the cosmos that always provides when I need it most

I am grateful.

And, I may fly home, for the circle of life continues and there is a season for every purpose under Heaven.

* Lyrics for The Weepies
"Gotta Have You"

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...