May 4 "I'm a new soul"

Today, I change.

Last cup of chocolaty mocha coffee.

Last buttery popcorn.

Last wheat, last dairy, last sugar.

Last day of procrastinating about getting this house organized.

Last bad, confusing relationship.

Last day to be so busy I leave no time for my exercise.

Now, water. And hot water with tea.

Now, vegetables, rice, fruit, bit of fish.

Now, only good, healthy relationships.

Now, focus on writing.

Now, commitment to clean, organization, and prettiness.

Now, reclaiming my body and my health.

I'm a new soul.



It's time. I've missed feeling good. I've missed... me.

Smart, smart woman....

I just now learned about this woman, Barbara Ueland



Brenda Ueland tried running up a mountain in her eighties, walked nine miles a day and wrote five or six million words of journalistic columns in her lifetime - including the classic 'If You Want to Write' which has sold some 140,000 copies as a paperback (published by Graywold Press in the States). She believed in being herself:



All children have creative power.
Brenda Ueland

Even if I knew for certain that I would never have anything published again, and would never make another cent from it, I would still keep on writing.
Brenda Ueland

Families are great murderers of the creative impulse, particularly husbands.
Brenda Ueland

I learned that you should feel when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountain top, but like child stringing beads in kindergarten, - happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another.
Brenda Ueland

It is so conceited and timid to be ashamed of one's mistakes. Of course they are mistakes. Go on to the next.
Brenda Ueland

Sometimes I think of life as a process where everybody is discouraging and taking everybody else down a peg or two.
Brenda Ueland

The tragedy of bold, forthright, industrious people is that they act so continuously without much thinking, that it becomes dry and empty.
Brenda Ueland

This is what I learned: that everybody is talented, original and has something important to say.
Brenda Ueland

Petty Tyrants and Neighbors that are Jerks

I took a Tibetan Buddhist Mediation class in the early 90's, above a Ben & Jerry's on Main Street in Brunswick, Maine. That sounds pretty funny, but it's true. Note to self: use that sentence in my book.

I loved that time of my life; loved learning how to meditate by sitting in position on a zafu, the walking meditation, and the teachings of this form of Buddhism.

One of the lessons that has stayed with me the longest is the concept of "petty tyrants" in our life. I believe that Carlos Castaneda also may have written about their importance, but honestly, I read so many books about consciousness during that time that they tend to meld together.

The premise is that you are confronted with these petty tyrants so that life can hold a mirror up to you, to show you that what drives you most nuts about that person is the very thing that you are not noticing in your own life. Now, I have to say, that really pisses me off. I mean, honestly, if someone is driving me crazy, doing things that I wouldn't dream of doing, how could that be a mirror into my faults?

Case in point, my new a##&*)@ neighbor. The guy moved into the house next door a few months before his wife and kids got here; they rented the house first, then bought it. He seemed nice enough at first, patted my dogs, learned their names, and helped out when my daughter found a baby raccoon in one of the dog's mouths. Not a bad guy at all.

But then, he asked if he could buy my canoe. We hadn't used it, but I was fond of it. He offered to do some help with the yard in return. I felt like I was rooked by a used car salesman when he walked off with my canoe.

Then, his wife and kids moved in. And all at once, I started getting calls about my dogs from Animal Control officers. And notes on my back window, and visits from the AC folks. W T F. I started penning up the dogs in the one pen I had, and rotating them between the house and the pen since three in one was not working. One night when I came back from a rehearsal, I tied the littlest dog to the dogwood in the front yard so I could go through and sweep all the rooms (she was closed up into the kitchen and living room) and after about 30 minutes the frigging SHERIFF'S DEPUTY was knocking on my front door.

"We had a call that your dog has been chained to the front yard for 5 hours and has been barking non-stop."

"Bullshit! I just got home from a rehearsal!" was my eloquent reply. I was so mad I could barely see straight.

I had to buy two pens and fasten them together for the dogs, find a home for the third dog since being penned drove him to be crazy and rough with the littlest dog... all because of these jerks. I wanted to take my canoe back, take the stupid rocks he has lining his front yard bordering the road and make it into a smiley face, or better yet, a frownie face.

Then, a neighbor kid told me that their daughter told her that they had to give their chocolate lab puppy away because it had bitten "Miss Jana, the lady next door with all the animals."

That was the last straw. I've not waved at or acknowledged their very existence ever since.

Just cannot stand those people.

Then yesterday, he starts banging metal posts into his yard, presumably for a fence. bang, clang, bang all day, all evening, and now all afternoon today. I tried laying in the sun, but between his classic rock station blaring and his banging of the metal posts, I couldn't concentrate.

Then, I remembered the petty tyrant story.

What about me is being exhibited? A side of me that is intolerant to anything in my yard (true, I do hate that) so that explains why they didn't want my dogs there. A side of me that prefers not to make direct confrontation with anyone, which is true. The passive aggressiveness that I try not to admit to myself.

So, the story rings true. I still cannot stand these people and miss my old neighbors, but, I suppose they are there for a reason. Just hope they move pretty damn fast.