Note to My Old Friend

"This song, those words, are as close as I can come to let you into my head right now.

We are not going to be forever and ever except as friends, and I've known this
since that time you asked me, "so, do you want to try this?" on our second date.
I am a little angry with myself for opening my heart up and getting it all
tangled up, but these past 5 years have been a little gentler and sweeter
because of the nice days that we spent. Last night I kept a little filmstrip
running in my head. Going to Lowe's, The Biltmore, The High museum, driving
through Texas, the Red Sox game, the movie theater, Kalmia, etc. Just nice little movies in my
head. And I could have avoided getting tangly with you, listened to my instinct
that this wasn't going anywhere, and if I had, I wouldn't have those nice
memories.

And now I do need to avoid you for a while because my heart is really aching for
forever and ever, the true love that comes from having someone just want just me
and only me forever. That is what I need to be waiting for. And that is what
you need in your life too. Although you are healthier and are sure to get that
far before I do.

But we were pretty close, and are certainly the best friends anyone could ever
have. You will be happier by moving, and your talent will be wasted here in SC.
And in three short years I will be free from SC too, and my commitments to being
near my children and my mother will something that I will continue to be making
in my life choices.

But I am a girl that wears her heart on the outside, and it really really hurts.
Maybe I'll always be the lonely girl that doesn't get married again, that would
really be sad but it would be better than living in a marriage that was not
right again. That was the loneliest time in my life and I am terrified to
repeat that.

No matter where you go or how old we grow, I will always have a part of me that
wants to lay my head on your shoulder and fall asleep curled up next to you."