And so, the day ends. Pammy told me he was gone while I stood in my gorgeous sage green and white office while I held Jade's old cell phone to my ear. I shut my door, sat in the guest chair in front of my desk and just hugged my legs... the tears sprung from my eyes and I could actually see them splash to the carpet below. She told me he was in no pain, they were all around him, she was crying and sobbing and I am not sure if I heard her words as much as I felt them. And as fast as she called, she left.. me, alone, 1000 miles away, alone in this state where I have adopted family but no real loved ones.
I tried to compose, as Marsha had to leave to take her husband to the cancer doctor this afternoon. She unlocked the door and hugged me, and let me cry a bit, and comforted me. When she left later, she told me she loved me. I alternated between feeling that I was out of body and feeling panicky to just plodding along, copying the church bulletin, folding them and putting on the mailing labels, when the inside cover caught my eye, listing that my father died today, in Maine.
and I lost it again.
My father, he is with his brothers, sisters and parents now. He is in no pain, and for that I am thankful. He is gone, and I have no father. And I feel about five years old right now and I would expect that my sister has drank enough Bailey's Irish Cremes and taken enough anti anxiety pills to cause an allergic reaction, yet she will sleep tonight. And on Friday, I will drive at 3:00 in the morning to take a plane home, have the visiting hours that night, and the funeral on Saturday.
My eyes hurt on fire, my cheeks sting from salty tears, and I have no idea how I am going to handle being at this. God, please be my strength.
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