Thursday, June 14, 2007

This will make you smile



Hear my favorite song here: lemonade
More about Chris Rice

Lemonade
by Chris Rice

So go ahead and ask her
For happy ever after
‘Cause nobody knows what’s coming
So why not take a chance on loving
Come on, pour the glass and tempt me
Either half-full or half-empty
‘Cause if it all comes down to flavor
The glass is tipping in my favor

Life gave me lemonade and I can’t imagine why
Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky
I live life without pretending
I’m a sucker for happy endings
Thanks for the lemonade
Thanks for the lemonade!

Now take your time to answer me
For the beauty of romancing
Is to calm your trembling hand with mine
While begging love to fill your eyes
I can hardly breathe while waiting
To find out what your heart is saying
And as we’re swirling in this flavor
The world is tilting in our favor

Life gave me lemonade and I can’t imagine why
Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky
I live life without pretending
I’m a sucker for happy endings
Thanks for the lemonade
Thanks for the lemonade!

I’ve got it made
Rest in the shade
And hold my love
While God above
Stirs wiith a spoon
We share the moon
Smile at the bees
More sugar please
He really loves us after all
We’re gonna need another straw!
We’re gonna need another straw!

Life gave me lemonade and I can’t imagine why
Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky
I live life without pretending
I’m a sucker for happy endings
Thanks for the lemonade
Thanks for the lemonade!

Monday, June 11, 2007

What they ask, What I tell them

Religion and politics: don't bring up either in the South.

Yet, my job is to help kids, and when they ask questions, or need answers, that is what I must do.

This is some of what the MySpace generation is feeling, and they are confused to be sure. But, aren't we all:

To save some topics for posterity, here is a June 10, 2007 blog entry, comments, and my commentary:


[10 Jun 2007 Sunday]

10:05 PM - Agnosticism
Current mood: curious


Agnosticism (from the Greek "a," meaning "without," and Gnosticismknowledge) means "unknowable," and is the philosophical view that the truth value of certain claims—particularly theologicalmetaphysics, afterlife or the existence of Gods, deities, or even ultimate reality—is unknown or, depending on the form of agnosticism, inherently unknowable due to the nature of subjective experience. or "gnosis," meaning claims regarding.


ok, so i don't know what i believe in.
this doesn't mean i'm atheist.
i just really am unsure about what i believe.
i agree and disagree with many different religions.
i am not certain of what i truly believe in.
i think that there is something out there.
what makes Christianity so superior to other religions anyway?
we weren't the first.
gah and one thing that really ticks me off about Christians is the amount of hypocrisy.
religion is usually more said than done in my opinion and most only take part in it in order to stay "with" society.
this bugs me.
i believe that nobody can be completely be sure of their religion and there are countless questions that we never will be able to answer.
i also find it very hard to follow the bible.
the way i see it: why should we listen and follow a book that was written over 2000 years ago?
i mean sure it has a good message in the end but times have changed.
we live in a completely different world than the biblical people did.
i find it silly to follow so much into the past.
we need to look into the future!
call me crazy, but this is how i feel.
maybe i'm ignorant, who knows.
i also find it very difficult to take part "worship."
i mean i find it time consuming and non-beneficial.
i prefer mediation.
i don't know, it just seems so unlikely that there is an afterlife and such when so much science has been discovered.
When the bible was formed, people had no other way of explaining things scientifically so they turned to religion.
i mean doesn't that make sense?
now that we have science it seems as if we don't need religion to rely on.
do you see where i'm coming from?
and what about evolution?
before science, god ceated adam and eve.
bam, the end.
but once we discovered another explanation, christians totally rejected it.
i mean, evolution makes a lot more sense than god made it. that's it.

errr, i hope that someday i will have found something to believe.


what are your views on religion.
(Please, no "I'm a christian all the way and you're completely wrong about everything")

Thanks.
<33
(Name Removed for Privacy)




18 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment


(Name removed for privacy)

i completely get what your saying. i feel the same way. science is like soo complex now and like, idk. its just weird sometimes, you know?

Posted by *******on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 12:53 AM
[Reply to this]



****

yes i do!

Posted by *****. on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 12:54 AM
[Reply to this]



***** :D

your right why would we listen to a book and i still dont know what i am.

maybe when i startto think about it more and put more thougt in toit then ill figure something out


but what that said was really what i think too

Posted by ***** :D on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 12:55 AM
[Reply to this]



*******
OHH wow, i wayy agree with you on alot of that. i really dont know what to believe in anymore. i tried out the whole christian thing, and it just didnt do anything for me. i cant understand how people could have such a loving god that allows some truely horrible things to happen. if i was a god i'f want peace love happiness and all such other things. i like the idea of evolution and coming from monkeys, but then it always circles back to the whole "what came first, egg or chicken", but then i think to myself, well if everything just came out of this one creature, like one specimen evolved, and multiplied and then continually multiplied and moved to different areas and grew and changed and adapted to what was around them. that much makes perfect sense to me, but then how did that first thing come to be. like im downright a non believer in god. in any god ive heard of it all sounds like stories to me.

my main thing is the whole bible thing. like what if, the bible was really just some little kids comic book, or super hero story? somehow the whole family died and they found the book and spread it around and people started to believe in it.
i guess i just want proof to believe in something.

i think it would be dumb of myself to fully believe in something just in case there really is a heaven or hell.
i really hope no one gets offended by anything and im not putting anyone down for believing in god and im not trying to make fun of anyones religion.

Posted by ******on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 12:59 AM
[Reply to this]



******
i mean, science makes so much more sense than "god did it".
sometimes religion seems quite foolish.
idk, its a toughy.
and about the bible, its hard for me to believe.
i mean, they took out many books when revising it being careful to not let the books contradict themselves.
how are we supposed to know the whole truth if they are hiding books from us??

Posted by **** on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:09 AM
[Reply to this]



*******
i always wonder, if they took stuff out of it to keep it, like, "fixed" and believable, what would stop them from putting things into it?

Posted by ******on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:12 AM
[Reply to this]



*****

i know.
there really is no telling...

Posted by ******. on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:13 AM
[Reply to this]



******
i know and i hate that.
and since we are on the god topic, what kind of loving god allows wars to happen and judges people that he supposedly created?
and how could someone be gay if god didnt want them to? doesnt he have a plan for everyone? so hes got life all marked out for anyone, so anyone that is different, or not what his bible says.

i dont know.
im really not all that informed on it.
i guess i just really dont get how it could all be.

Posted by ******] on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:26 AM
[Reply to this]



*****

yes! i especially don't understand homosexuality and religion.
ok, so god created everyone's life path.
he apparently already knows everything that you will ever do and become.
well then he led that person to become gay or bi or straight, right?
yet, churches constantly discourage and/or resent homosexuality.
pretty stupid if you ask me!

Posted by *****. on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:29 AM
[Reply to this]



****
AH! i sooo agree with you on that. like to the EXTREME! if he planned everyones everything, why would he plan for someone to fail, or to be something he wouldnt except.

ha, your fast becoming one of my favorite people.
tis quite fabulous.

Posted by ***** on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:46 AM
[Reply to this]



*****
Kudos on figuring it out before age 16 like I did.

Posted by *****on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:02 AM
[Reply to this]



*****
ha, yeah.
i've put a lot of thought into it lately.

Posted by ***** on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 1:10 AM
[Reply to this]



♥everyone calls me jana banana... ((( THIS IS MINE)))))

Okay: now this is hard to write since I work for a church, but my degree is in psychology, not divinity, so I come from a whole different perspective than some youth directors.

My background is Baptist; Northern Baptist is about as different from Southern Baptist as you can get, it's much quieter, more like a Methodist service, but it is still pretty strict. There way is the ONLY way, and that didn't make any sense to me. I was the kid that made my Sunday School teacher crazy, asking questions she could not answer. I got "saved" every single time they did an altar call, whether it was at the skating rink or at a church, and evey time felt nothing. Every time I opened a Bible, it was about someone killing someone else, a war, all really negative, awful stuff. I felt exactly the way you describe in your blog, almost word for word.

When I was in high school and into my early 20s, I studied Zen Buddhism and Tibetan Buddhism. THAT made sense to me. The whole concept of loving every sentient being, whether it be a small insect or another human being. But then, the more I studied Tibetan Buddhism, it started getting weird. Lots of strange traditions, classes that made no sense whatsoever. So I started studying other religions. Judaism (Jew), Hinduism, Unitarian, etc. I did a LOT of reading in those years.

Then, I read a great book comparing Jesus to Buddha. It was amazing. It made so much sense. There is a period of time where Jesus went away, and no matter how many translations of the Bible has been made, no one really knows where he went. Did he travel East and sit under the Bodhi tree and discover enlightenment through meditation, like Buddha? Or are he and Buddha one and the same? Or could Jesus be one of many spiritual masters that have lived on this planet, like Buddha in India, Confucious in China, wonderful Native American Indians, etc? It is hard for me to understand and embrace religions that hate homosexuality... which is biology in it's perfect form, you are either born that way or you are not. It is even harder for me to understand how religion could support racism... like there is a separate heaven for white people??? And the worst thing is the total disregard for other religions, especially good, kind, wonderful humans that have lived on this planet. If Gandhi is not in a fundamentalist heaven, then I wouldn't want to go there.

My advice to you and to all who read this, is to research, research, research. This is why I made my choice to be a Methodist years ago. They are more tolerant on races, and are becoming more and more accepting of homosexuality, and do not judge other religions. All are welcome at the church, and at the communion rail. (some churches ban other religions from receiving communion at their altar) The whole anti-gay thing comes from just a few verses, and when you really study the context of those verses they make no sense. I can give you a few examples of some, there is one where Lot tells men coming to rape his male guests.... and he throws out his own daughters and says, "Here, take them instead"... that is pretty crazy. And the whole raping of men in those days was an act of violence, and still goes on in some places.. prisons, to name one... and there is no mention of a good, loving relationship between two people of the same sex like we can understand in our world today. Although, some Bible scholars that are tolerant say that they did indeed find some non-traditional same sex partners that when you read them closely, sound like loving same sex couples that you would find in today's world.

Don't just choose a religion and say, "Oh, I am a Buddhist" without really reading all you can find about it. And that is the tough thing about being a kid, you are compelled to be whatever religion your parents are. And you may not agree with what that religion is. The best, kindest, most tolerant people in the world are the ones that find the best parts of many of the world religions and disregard the ones that do not feel right. I had a best friend tell me one time that the only parts of the Bible he reads and likes are "The ones in red", meaning in some older Bibles the words of Jesus were printed in red ink. I think that was what made me come full circle again, was just reading about Jesus. He was the ONLY one in the Bible that was fully accepting. He sat with lepers, prostitutes, people from other races and religious beliefs, and not only accepted them all, he loved them all unconditionally. He hated the idea of changing money in a house of worship, and it freaked him out so much he overturned tables and had a big fit. He spent time alone, praying/meditating, and told people to not make a big deal about fasting and praying to get attention, to be more quiet and personal with your faith. I like that. I think if he came back to earth today, he'd be working in the soup kitchens, and wouldn't step foot into the big fancy churches built "in his honor".

There is no way that anyone can be 100% sure of their religious faith until they are well informed. And even then, there will be doubts. I think that science even is perplexed about the awesomeness about creation. If we evolved from monkeys, where is the missing link? Why are they not evolving anymore? I think that the Fibonacci sequence, the math perfection of something as common as the face of a sunflower or the spiral of a pinecone is amazing. I think that Da Vinci had the right idea, he was a genius and could "see" the perfection of seemingly random things coming together. For me, it is comforting to go to church and be with other people who come together to use their resources (their tithes and offerings) to help our fellow man. That is the nicest thing about good churches, they are taking care of others. If it weren't for them, they'd be no organization that would be so generous to raise money to help the poorest of the poor. Most other organizations lie about where the money really goes, and it goes to make the heads of the companies very very rich while just a small bit goes to where they say it goes. At churches, it's all public record and it's easy to track where it all goes.

So, forgive my long post. Know that it is good to question and to learn. When you read the Bible, concentrate on the chapters that pertain JUST TO JESUS. The Old Testament is really about another period of time in history with very strict Jewish laws that really don't have much to do with today, but the cool thing is that it is a good way to read about the history of mankind, and how we evolved. Jesus was sent down here because they were doing it all wrong. They didn't realize that God wasn't a hateful being that smited them and sent down vengeance, he was love. Even the strictest, most fundamental religion has to admit that the biggest rule that Jesus spoke of was "Love One Another", simple as that.

So, kudos to Christophe for coming up with a very good discussion. It'll make you a stronger person to really come up with your OWN decision regarding religion. Blindly believing what another feeds to you is how something as terrible as the Holocaust happened. A smart man and woman makes up their own mind. Just beware of folks that try to sway you to their way... if something feels wrong in the pit of your stomach, listen to that intuition. Beliefs or people that are good and positive will never steer you down the wrong path.

Posted by ♥everyone calls me jana banana... on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 8:05 AM
[Reply to this]



*****
AH!
thank you so much jana.
i think that i'm gonna be asking you a lot of questions.
religion is such a broad thing that i know extremely little about.
i need to study the bible more (the jesus parts), and read a lot about other religions.
ii think that all religions are connected in ways.
i just need to figure out what i believe and how i feel about certain things.
right now i feel a great sense of ignorance and i want to change that.
i am so glad that i have you (a good friend and youth pastor) to help me.
on more blindly believing for ****. i am gonna do a lot of reading!
i loveee you!

Posted by *****. on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 11:12 AM
[Reply to this]



****[♥]

I totally understand where your coming from, i mean how are you suppose to live by a book and actually understand it, cause truthfully i don't even understand the bible.
What are you suppose to do if you don't really understand it?
i have no idea... So how can i decide what to do next, it's like im caught in the middle of a bunch of religion stuff

Posted by *****[♥] on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 9:14 AM
[Reply to this]



*****
we just have to read and not blindly believe in what others tell us.
it's your decision in what you believe.

Posted by *****. on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 11:13 AM
[Reply to this]



*****
well, i see where you're coming from, but i'd personally rather be safe than sorry.

Posted by ***** on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 9:42 AM
[Reply to this]



*****

Wow this is really interesting and i belive what you say is true, ha now ive got something to say if someone calls me an atheist. thats happens to me a lot it seems. but you see i know im not. this was very deep, thoughtful, contraversal today to many people but who cares really what others think as long you yourself are happy with what you belive in and who you are.

Posted by ******on [11 Jun 2007 Monday] at 10:24 AM
[Reply to this]

Pretty damn deep, and half of these kids are only like 13, 14 years old. And my friends in the 30's and 40's are saying the SAME EXACT THING.





Saturday, June 09, 2007

too late, baby, oh it's too late

Sleep anorexia: intentionally depriving ones self from sleeping like a normal human being.

that is me.

dumb ass.

I need to make a major life change.

okay, here goes:

Fortune Cookie: Your Fortune:
Your love light shines on another.


Ask Fortuna
: Through the looking-glass, everything is backwards.

Ask SARK's cat Jupiter
: experience more pleasure

Free Llewellyn Tarot Card Reading: Seven of Coins
in the Past position.

A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.

Success and gain threatened by laziness and procrastination; delays; setbacks; calumny.


The Wheel of Fortune
in the Present position.

A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.

The karmic process of destiny at work; a new cycle starts; a beneficial "lucky run"; an auspicious turn of fate and change for the better; good fortune and felicity.



Six of Cups
in the Future position.

A card in the right position indicates your questions future.

Influences from the past; pleasurable realization of a long-held dream; romantic love.

Love Oracle (Playing Cards)
:
Jack of Clubs

You dealt the Jack of Clubs!

A Jack describes a person—either the person you are thinking about, a person very involved with the situation, or someone new entering your life in the near future.

The Jack of Clubs indicates a dark-haired or fiery person who is popular, good-hearted, and playful. You may have an admirer!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Wait


I think being single is pretty cool. I can do what I want, when I want, and am happy with that. Most of my married friends are always grumbling about something or other with their spouses, and many of them don't seem that compatible. In the time that I have divorced, many people in the city where I live have divorced, remarried, and divorced again.

Wake up people, wait for your soul mate!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

pretty pretty

The reason why I posted these rings is because I watched Blood Diamond and I never, ever, ever, EVER want a diamond after watching the atrocities that go on to procure a diamond. Despite the Kimberly act, it is still occuring, and forever more when I see a diamond I will feel a little sick. Long life other gemstones and Moissanite! Green Amethyst
Aquamarine

Baby Raccoon


The day: Tuesday, March 22, 2007

The time: shortly after arriving home from work with some Chinese take out from Hong Kong

"MOM!!! Come quick!!!" yells Jade.

Dylan and I run to the back door, where Jade stands with a...a... thing in her hand.

"The dogs had...this...", and we all decided to figure out what "this" was.

Turns out, it is a baby raccoon. Eyes shut, barely see the rings on his tail, and little wee ears close to his head. We have been feeding it baby kitten replacement milk with a mini bottle, learning all we can from the Internet on how to care for an infant raccoon, and have found him a good home. "Todd" went to work with me yesterday.....Marsha fell in love with him, too. It is her brother that wants him, he had one years ago and knows how to care for them.

He is taking his bottle really well now, and finally pooping.. sounds gross, but you have to stimulate his elimination by rubbing their tummies with a warm wet finger to mimic their mom's licking them with her tongue... weird to help a baby pee and poop.. thank goodness human babies can do that much on their own!

I'll miss this little baby. Maybe I should keep him?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

May

Ah, such a busy, busy month of May! We had our play, "Sylvia", it was Tina's last play in with our theater group, so it was bittersweet for everyone. She was a fine doggie, and apparently I played "a very convincing drunk" as Kate, the wife that hates the dog. Jim G. was Greg, the husband besotted with the dog, Tracy P. as Kate's best friend from Vassar, Phyliss; Elayne M. as the gender confused therapist, Leslie; and Greg V. as the equally besotted dog owner, Jim. It was grand fun!





Then, the next week, my very own star baby Jade was a hit as Sally in "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown!" She amazed me with her singing ability and comedic ability... just amazed! This kid can really belt out a song like nobody else. To say I went each night was an understatement, you couldn't keep me away! It was awesome, and she was absolutely adorable. She broke up with her boyfriend, and is realizing the difference between nice guys and dogs, and is a pretty good judge of character.




Dylan just took his AP English exam today, won the award for the highest grade in his Chemistry I class, and has been such a delightful child this spring. He is still dating the lovely Jessica, his hair is still long down his back, and he is still playing the guitar so well.

Dirk just got another job, one with the segueway things, and new one helping with a ropes course and gaining co-op credit hours for doing so. I'll miss not having him home for the summer, but he is so happy and doing so well.. it's time for me to loosen those apron strings even more.

Nothing has happened on the "proposal". Zip, zoodle, nothing. Just as it should be, probably. I think that we are better as friends than as spouses, something just doesn't ever seem to click well. And it should, shouldn't it? Honestly, I just think that I would "know" if it was right, and I've never had that feeling. I imagine he will find someone that is more suited to him, and that I will just float around until the right everything happens, whatever that is. For now, I am very happy to have the man with too many children as my good friend, and although the whole idea was intoxicating for a while, it just doesn't seem to be going to happen. And that is okay.

A woman from church told me that some women are just not meant for marriage, is that me?? In the spirit of "The Secret", I don't want to put negativity out there. The right thing will happen at the right time with the right person and I will recognize and embrace this...whatever it is God thinks is what I need for my path and to be happy...because I think I deserve some romantic happiness, finally!

so, bless all the people out there that need prayers, those that need love, holding, healing, food, shelter, safety and hope.

My heart is overflowing with gratitude for the abundance I have, these three healthy wonderful children, a family in Maine that loves me, a home to live in and a car to drive, food in our home and electricity and water and appliances that work. A job that I adore, and a hobby that sometimes pays. Friends that are as dear as family, and books to keep me happy. A soulmate would be great, but I can wait until it is the right time for that.

Thank you, God, Jesus, guardian angels and spirit guides. Thank you sun and moon and temperatures that are so lovely I catch my breath. Thank you for blue skies and flowers that bloom, and for our adorable dogs and cats. Thank you Earth, Universe, and beyond. All is good, all is calm, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be so thankful.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Man With Too Many Children...kinda sorta may be proposing. ???



Okay. The Man With Too Many Children wants to marry me. I think. At least, that is where the conversations are heading. My mind is spinning too fast to really hear all of it. Selling both houses and starting fresh, color coding towels, moving the fish tank last, I am hearing some of it through the rushing of the ocean in my brain as my heart is beating so fast I cannot breathe...aaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Could I be the mom of SEVEN children???? I mean, honestly, I can barely take care of the three I have, and one is away at school!

This week was the "Jana Looks For a Sign" week, and last night The Man With Too Many Children pressed me for an answer.

I was tired from a not-so-great rehearsal, my kids are away in the mountains with their dad and step mother to see their big brother, and I am feeling kinda blue and mopey...so I warned him that tomorrow would be a better time to talk.. but he pressed on for an answer.

So, my Eeyore blue self started off with all the negatives, how hard it'd be, blah blah blah...and he starts in on the nice stuff. Lots of love. Affection. Never a dull moment. And a maid to help.

Wait, back up, did he say a maid? Hmm. A maid? Hell yeah, that'd be good.

Then he started talking about houses. And I am thinking of what to say next, because moving into his house would be so awkward for my kids, his kitchen is dreadful and small, and the yard too small for all the animals, and then he says, "Of course, we would sell both houses and buy a larger home, move in together for a fresh start."

What? The man who is obsessed with and clearly loves his house, willing to sell it??

I was really reeling with confusion. It's hard to keep negative when some positives started coming out, like go to Maine in summer, Texas in winter. Hmmm.

So, now, I don't know. I prayed today in the sanctuary. I sat there all alone in the pew and prayed out loud. For an answer, a message, a sign. Anything.

And I have continued to feel like that. Is is right? Is it wrong? Could it work?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh scared.

This afternoon, he got off work early and invited me over. We sat on his couch, he talked a lot and had his arm around me, kissed my forehead, let me close my eyes and try to relax, and I had to admit I loved the affection, attention, and the love.

But, no sign. No feeling. No white feather falling from the sky. No quarter flipped up on the pavement. No ring placed on my finger. But, he did notice a caterpillar on his tire, and gently removed it and put it near the trees to save it's life. Is that the sign I needed?

held so many people in my suitcase heart.........

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket



"Slow Pony Home" click to hear it The Weepies click to learn more about my latest band obsession

It's the second September I have known you
Four years or so ago, I rode a pony, called him "Truth"
We didn`t know the way so it took us till today to get here

And all that time, I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know that I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home

I can remember when I first saw you
You said in my photograph I looked more far away
I laughed and smiled and didn't say "I am a bit afraid to be here."

Setting free the anchor and looking past the shore
It's a sea of horses on ships with no sails, no motors, no oars

Now we're cleaning the windows between us two
Funny, you do it once, and then again, and pretty soon
the fingerprints and dust...
But I've begun to trust the view here.

"held so many people in my suitcase heart" <- that may well be the most honest thing I've heard in a long while. Not baggage, but people. Sigh.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Buying Cards




Easter cards are on prominent display in the newly revamped Wal Mart in town... I walked over and made my selections. A great one for my Mom, and some really cute Grandma ones... then it hit me.

I won't be buying any Dad or Grandpa cards, ever again.

The tug on my heart was very strong, and even now my eyes are beginning to water.

So much so that when I looked over to the left, the Husband and Sweetheart and Man that I Love cards were blurred.

First season without a card in those sections. Little things like that get to me.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Jade's First Dance


Ah, the baby girl is growing up! Going to a dance and choosing her own dresses... how adorable is she in the dress that she chose? After trying on tons of dresses...proclaiming most of them as "hoochie", she opted for this lovely sage dress. She decided she'd rather have a short one so she could wear flats- this kid is way more practical than I ever was at her age! We curled her long hair with hot rollers, she has cool rhinestone earrings and necklace, and her date, Cole, forgot to bring her corsage...and his jacket... so I don't have a photo with their corsage/boutonnière on... but I am sure they looked even cuter. She is still at the dance, and will go to Midnight Bowling with a group of kids after... really a fun night after a whole week of stressing over it.

Goodness, can she really be 14? And will she really be 15 this July? Where has the time gone? When did she get so tall? She's always been beautiful, so that is no surprise...but, is she really already this old?

For you , young lady, I hope and pray that you will retain the sweet spirit you have now. The way you cheer your friends up, the way you call people out when they are gossiping or being mean to someone, the way you laugh and turn things from a negative to a positive. I hope and pray that you will continue to keep that good head on your shoulders, always trust your intuition, and never be too grown up to "act like a kid". You are a wonderful daughter, and I am so very proud you are mine.

love,
Mama

Sunday, March 18, 2007

found it!

Ah, best love scene in a movie I've seen this year (best song, too!)

Table for one, One season pass, One round trip airfare



How do you feel when somebody you once loved moves on? Especially somebody that you really loved, and honestly want to move on and be happy?

You feel like a selfish, bad person if you allow yourself to feel any regret, or sadness. But, you do. And you should. Or, at least, if you have a heart that remains wide open like mine, it'll be odd if you didn't feel something. And feel, oh, feel, I do.

And yes, I want them to be happy and to find true love and to marry. I do, I really do. And I am glad for them, and glad for the women that love them and are happy to marry them.

But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am sad that I wished that the time I spent with them had created such magic that I would be the one that they could not live without.

But, I have been told that I have all but pushed each guy away with a mack truck.

I cannot lie and say that I long for the day that the right one comes along and catches me from running and holds me tight and says, "You are the one for me, I want to marry you, we will be married, and we will be together forever and ever." And I will know it to be true, I will not be afraid, and at long last I will be able to let my guard down and trust that I won't be hurt again.

Until then, I will fill my days and nights with trying to be as positive as I can, and as Wesley says:

"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can. "
John Wesley 1703-1791

Wack Dream

Damn, did I ever have a TylenolPM induced strange dream last night!

First off, I was back with my ex-husband, and I was pregnant with my fourth child. Mind you, we have three children that are now 18, almost 16, and 14, so that'd be a miracle in itself, let alone the mere thought of us ever, ever getting back together..... but, there were Tylenol pms ingested presleep, so...

we were in a house, and there were a ton of workers there spreading loam and laying down sod in the front yard, and some kind of construction in the back too. There were tons of workers there, and they had families with them. I thought to myself, we have so many people just standing around with nothing to do, wouldn't it be great if they could play some football?

and "boom" from the sky, a cloud opened up and down came a football. The kids were all clamoring around, and thought me to be magical, and started asking for candy and toys, and I laughed and asked out loud and

"boom" a cloud opened again and down from the sky floated candy and toys, drifting slowly not hurling to the ground hurting anyone, just gently floating into their eager hands. And with it, juice boxes of all things...what the heck?? I can conjure up stuff and the best I ask for is juiceboxes??

It went on a bit longer, and then I went to the phone and called my father.

mind you, my father died in January; in the dream, I told someone that even though he was dead, for some reason when I dial his phone number he answers and I can talk to him. And I know he is dead, but it does not phase me one bit.

how the heck do I analyze that? I want another child, yes, actually. I want to be married and cared for, yes, I suppose... but not to Shawn again, but maybe he was a metaphor for another man? And asking and getting what I want, from the principles in the Secret book? and Bible Quote, "ask and ye shall receive"? The ability to call my deceased father...well, in some kind of Sylvia Browne sleep phase, perhaps I could actually call and talk to Dad.

Hmm, shall I try to sleep normally tonight or take a chance on a repeat visit from the DreamWeavers??

Saturday, March 17, 2007

stranger than fiction- must see

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Will Farrell, you totally made me fall in love with this character Harold Crick.

Watch the movie if you haven't already, and see if you agree... lovely. Of course, pretty near anything that Emma Thompson decides to be in will be wonderful, and this was no exception.

Ah, the quiet, methodical, boring life of an IRS Auditor... interrupted by a voice narrating his life, meets a bohemian baker- played by Maggie Gyllenhaal- with tattoos and a smart mouth. I adored it.

My favorite scene was when Harold goes up to the bohemian baker's apartment; he is both charmingly awkward and shy, and when he notices her guitar, she asks him to play for her. He says he knows one song, but cannot play, and she smiles and goes back to finishing up dishes...and then she hears him.

He sits on her couch, strums the guitar, and with his eyes shut softly croons, "Whole Wide World" by the Monkees. Softly, slowly, and achingly sweetly he plays and sings.

She walks in, takes his face in her hands, kisses him, and then straddles him on the couch....of course he is too shy to even move the damn guitar and then the song goes into a crescendo of the song done by Wreckless Eric... love it, love it, love it!!! I had to find the song, and I did, on myspace.... hopefully it'll stay up a while... click on this: Whole Wide World

I've been singing that song all week since I saw the movie.

Back to the movie... I did truly love it. No spoilers here, but there is a touching scene where Will Farrell cries and I think it was one of the best most honest side of him I have ever seen.

and heck, anyone that can make me remotely attracted to an IRS Auditor deserves 5 stars.

Viva La Quiet Man!

Friday, March 09, 2007

great muses, come to me while I sleep.........

I am uninspired

tired

bored

ready to sleep

I miss my artwork, I miss writing fiction, I miss my creativity...

is it the Claritin D? is it lack of sleep? lack of vitamins? stress from lack of money?

just got tax check, just got paid... c'mon over, creativity, woman been missin' you bad.

I almost bought another freaking puppy today... what the hell, right? why must I substitute being creative with loving another living breathing thing? why cannot I just take some time for myself, just grab some time and do what I love to do.

phssh.

whine, complain, yawn.

turn it around.... I am grateful for my busy life, and my zillion things I do and the furry animals I already own and love, and my awesome children, family and friends... and to tell you the truth, I think I am getting out of my Cancerian shell....it's been winter, I lost my dad, almost lost my brother, and me being all cocooned was probably the best gift I gave myself. BUT I do need to get my creativity back. Do you hear that, guardian angels? please help me find my mojo!

Lovely movie, cool video

Jim Croce, a beautiful man

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Things I love


Celtic Women, need I say more? They are wonderful.
I saw them last night and I still feel like Irish dancing all over
the house, they put on yet another fantastic show.

This chapstick, Vanilla Bonne Bell Lipsmacker, is nirvana to me.
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Yum. Could there be a better snack?

Rings, that taste like onions.

Yum.

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Absolutely the most delicious soda, ever. Especially good
when mixed with Funyuns.
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And no, I didn't hear about it on Oprah, I found it myself, thank you.
But, I am in awe.

not only does it work, it is really pretty amazingly accurate in it's simplistic accuracy.

and it sure made last night magical

Wednesday, February 21, 2007



Mr. Blue www.myspace.com/catherinefeeny
Artist: Catherine Feeny
Album: Hurricane Glass
Year: 2006
Title: Mr. Blue Print
Correct


Mr. Blue,
I told you that I love you
Please believe me

Mr. Blue,
I have to go now, darling
Don't be angry

I know that you're tired
Know that you're sore and sick and sad for some reason
So I leave you with a smile
Kiss you on the cheek
and you will call it treason

That's the way it goes some days
A fever comes at you without a warning
And I can see it in your face
You've been waiting to break since you woke up this morning

Mr. Blue,
Don't hold your head so low
That you can't see the sky

Mr. Blue,
It ain't so long since you were flying high

Mr. Blue,
I told you that I love you
Please believe me

Saturday, February 10, 2007

A family member with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)... meet my brother




It’s funny the things you remember about the day you find out a loved one had a traumatic brain injury. For me, that day in the summer of 1987 is misty; what I remember most was that the Hallmark cards I was re-shelving in the card shop where I worked were sympathy cards. “Jana, your brother Dwight has been in a car accident on the Parker Head Road. He is at Maine Med., you need to get there now,” my Aunt Marilyn told me as she walked in, tears streaming down her face. That began my journey with the world of families of TBIs, individuals with Traumatic Brain Injuries.

My fiancé at the time, Shawn, was the first person I called. He drove me to Portland, and when we arrived in the ICU he tearfully warned me not to go in to see him…"that shouldn't be your last memory."

For Shawn had lost his only elder brother in the same fashion years before. His older brother died of traumatic brain injuries in the 70’s after being struck by a drunk driver. I pressed on and went in to see my brother anyhow.

My sweet, gentle older brother Dwight lay on the hospital bed hooked up to a ventilator, IV’s, and had shunts drilled into his skull to relieve the massive swelling of fluid on his brain from his injury. The entire right side of his body was swelling, as he sustained broken bones from his shoulder to his leg. He had been driving to Popham Beach that morning, and had fallen asleep at the wheel.

He was 32 years old at the time, single, and had already been in an awful crash 14 years earlier. In that first crash, he had been in the back seat of a car and was propelled from the back seat through the windshield, crashing face first into the pavement. After months of a wired jaw and bed rest, he began exhibiting symptoms of schizophrenia, something he suffered with from that time until this second accident. We have no idea to this day whether this injury caused the disease, or merely sped it up.

Dwight lay in a coma for a few weeks, and during that time my family and I took turns talking to him, reading to him, and, for me, singing his favorite songs. Did it help? Who knows. But, he did come out of the coma, but not like one would see in a perfect television show way. He was like an infant. He drooled, he giggled, he whined, he cried, and he was angry. Words came slowly, and he appeared amazed at simple things like the shadows on the wall. He was transferred from Maine Medical Center to New England Rehabilitation Center, and began the slow road to a new life as a man with TBI.

For those of you who are familiar with brain injuries, they vary tremendously. Some younger patients “bounce” back rapidly, and depending on where the injury was and the severity, can regain all or most of their functions before the injury. The Brain Injury Association of America website lists the following facts:

What is a traumatic brain injury?

A traumatic brain injury (TBI) is defined as a blow or jolt to the head or a penetrating head injury that disrupts the function of the brain. Not all blows or jolts to the head result in a TBI. The severity of such an injury may range from "mild," i.e., a brief change in mental status or consciousness to "severe," i.e., an extended period of unconsciousness or amnesia after the injury. A TBI can result in short or long-term problems with independent function.

How many people have TBI?

Of the 1.4 million who sustain a TBI each year in the United States:
• 50,000 die;
• 235,000 are hospitalized; and
• 1.1 million are treated and released from an emergency department.
The number of people with TBI who are not seen in an emergency department or who receive no care is unknown.


What causes TBI?

The leading causes of TBI are:
• Falls (28%);
• Motor vehicle-traffic crashes (20%);
• Struck by/against (19%); and
• Assaults (11%).
Blasts are a leading cause of TBI for active duty military personnel in war zones.

Who is at highest risk for TBI?
• Males are about 1.5 times as likely as females to sustain a TBI.1
• The two age groups at highest risk for TBI are 0 to 4 year olds and 15 to 19 year olds.1
• Certain military duties (e.g., paratrooper) increase the risk of sustaining a TBI.3
• African Americans have the highest death rate from TBI.1


What are the costs of TBI?


Direct medical costs and indirect costs such as lost productivity of TBI totaled an estimated $56.3 billion in the United States in 1995.

What are the long-term consequences of TBI?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that at least 5.3 million Americans currently have a long-term or lifelong need for help to perform activities of daily living as a result of a TBI.5

According to one study, about 40% of those hospitalized with a TBI had at least one unmet need for services one year after their injury. The most frequent unmet needs were:
• Improving memory and problem solving;
• Managing stress and emotional upsets;
• Controlling one's temper; and
• Improving one's job skills.
TBI can cause a wide range of functional changes affecting thinking, sensation, language, and/or emotions. It can also cause epilepsy and increase the risk for conditions such as Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, and other brain disorders that become more prevalent with age.

In the years since my brother Dwight’s accident, he moved from Maine to Massachusetts to a head injury facility, and in 1991 back up to Maine in the River Ridge Hospital in Kennebunk. He went through years of behavioral issues… which is common… and cursed like a sailor. They all go through that, even the sweetest of older women. I’ll never forget watching an old man crying in the hall at the facility in Massachusetts, softly saying, “She never spoke an ugly word her whole life. Not ever,” as his brain injured wife cursed from her wheelchair in her room.

Now, Dwight is beginning to age rapidly. He has a sweet temperament, much like he did before his accident. He leans to one side and has lost a lot of strength in his arms, partly from the seizure medication he must be on, and from the severity of the original injuries not healing well. He is happy where he lives, enjoys watching the Red Sox and New England Patriots, and enjoys seeing our mother as she visits every Sunday. He used to come home for occasional weekends and holidays, but cannot do that anymore as he is too difficult to transfer without a special lift.

He speaks really clearly, which is rare for the brain injured population, but his short term memory loss prevents him from really following a lot of conversations. His memory of the past is very clear, however, and appears to be confused when we tell him events that are happening today. He can hold his guitar and find the chords with his fingers, but will say, “I used to be able to play.” The synapses between the left and right hemispheres of his brain that used to tell his fingers how to play are forever damaged- as is his former talent for drawing and watercolor painting. He will hold a pencil, pen, or brush in his hand- only to lay it down slowly, telling you that he “just can’t do that now.”

What about the schizophrenia? Almost unbelievably, the second accident wiped it clean. He no longer is plagued with irrational, paranoid fears, no longer hears voices. Just as an accident seemed to have triggered that disease, a second one took it away. A blessing in disguise, as our mother is fond of saying.

We are fortunate in our family to have such a beautiful, specialized facility that is so tailored for his unique needs. We are grateful that he was able to live through such an awful accident. And above all, we are blessed that this gentle soul has been in our lives to remind us daily how precious life is, and how fragile our human bodies are.

xanadu

Yes, I know it got panned by critics, but I don't care... I love this movie.

Valentine's Day






I just wrote this to someone tonight:

"I have an uncanny ability to find diamonds in the rough, be kind of a muse to them, and when we part they end up marrying happily and/or have great careers. I feel kind of like the good fairy that swoops away to let the magic happen, or sometimes like "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"... it sucks sometimes that I usually end up the one curling up with my pillows at night while all you lovely ex-boyfriends(and one husband) are all happily married with your great jobs..... One of my friends said that it is because I don't LET myself actually fall in love fully with any of them when I, in actuality, could have been happy with any or all of them."

wow, that sounds really conceited.

I am really, really, really hormonal/tired/confused/weepy tonight.

so, I listen to the Weepies and get more weepy.

I love them. I hate them. I love them. They are me sometimes. Most times.

ah.

And then, there are my beloved icons... angels and mermaids.

what are they? untouchable, incapable of human, or sexual love, just within reach but quick to fly or swim away.

what will it take for me to take a chance on love again?

will it be a sudden leap of faith, or a dragging and kicking across the line into loved land?

No amount of psychology classes, no amount of books, nothing really to plan on or do.

Just a bewildered confusion on what it is that makes me flee.

Valentine's Day.....four more days.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Souper Bowl of Caring




The Super Bowl will be aired on CBS this Sunday night, and according to CNN, the infamous "Super Bowl Ads" aired during the game will cost as much as $2.6 million for some 30-second spots CNN money.com

If that makes you feel a little queasy, you can alleviate that feeling with a good old-fashioned remedy.

Soup.

This Sunday, churches in the area will have their youth group members standing in the doorways with large soup pots, collecting canned goods and money for charity as part of The Souper Bowl of Caring This project began more than 15 years ago, inspired by a simple prayer by a single youth group. This has spread to be an international event, and since 1990 has raised more than $33 million for individual charities across the country.

At my church, all proceeds will go to the Soup Kitchen Mission that is manned lovingly by around a dozen churches in town. Other churches also give to this mission, and others choose other worthwhile charities in our area. All the money, particularly in these cold winter months, is appreciated and gratefully accepted.

If you are not currently a member of a church, I encourage/urge/prod/plead with you to consider donating some money today to this worthwhile cause...and then, watch the football game with a smile on your face!

I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,....whenever you did this for one of the least of these followers of mine, you did it for me." Matt 25:35-40

Thursday, February 01, 2007

BOSTON


www.myspace.com/augustana


listen to this song, "Boston"




AUGUSTANA LYRICS

"Boston"

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A time when things were simpler and hearts were not yet jaded

Music overlapped each meeting, like a soundtrack from a great movie

the kind you would watch again

and again

The loud rumble of the Barracuda,
wine coolers and beer bottles, best friends in crazy clothes,
"she has potato chip shaped lips", and skull earrings

Sun shining bright on the Green Wall

the last talk by the pond on campus, Greek tragedies and epic poetry

a hot pink Fender guitar pic and a few photographs remain

to stop the world and melt

after the Challenger explosion and fear of Quaddafi

but before global warming and 9/11 and moves and divorces and new names

Boston

some snow would be nice

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

snow

Dad sent me some snow.

((my camera cord to connect to up load photos is MIA, I will do that soon))

Yes, snow.

The funeral home, the funeral, the graveside service, going to his home, spending time with my Mom, my sister and eldest brother, cousins, family, it all went by too quickly

the planes, the airports, it all is so surreal that it all spanned just a few days

I sat on the plane and looked down and heard this song play over and over in my mind:


Such Great Heights (acoustic version by Iron and Wine)   *click to listen

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home



and I realize that so much of my life has a soundtrack.

I spoke at Dad's funeral... I had sat on the plane on the way North on Friday and couldn't come up with anything, when miracles of miracles the sun broke from the cloud cover and pulsed through the window directly opposite my seat to my right- so much sun on me that I was blinded... and able to know exactly what to write and how to say it.

My eulogy had to do with one of the few "lessons" my father told me.... when I was young and pulled the boat to shore closer with a rope to tie on a rusty big ring affixed to a rock at the Alliquippa, Dad said, "If you care about your boat, you'd better learn to tie a good knot"

that was the basis of the eulogy... a knot tied too tight will break, one too loose will lose what you hold dear... so, tie your knots of friendship, family, loved ones... because there is no time like the present to love and care for eachother, no better time to call or see a friend or family member.. we must learn to tie good knots. This, amidst lots of tears. The whole room cried when I asked them to remember our other brother, Dwight, as he lives his days in his facility for head injured adults.

I've always said I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, today counts, and never has that been more poignantly realized than this weekend. It is sad to lose a loved one, and hard to say goodbye, but we were so fortunate to see Dad when he still knew us, and he had the luxury of deciding what to do with his estate, and to make his preferences for his funeral arrangements. My ex's husband's father's death by contrast was sudden and unpredicted- he died while having brunch after a workout at the gym. I am not sure which scenario I'd rather have, honestly, other than I would like to live a long, happy life and die in my sleep.

I choose that.

and the snow? I think it symbolizes a cleansing for the past, a whitening, an eraser for a chalkboard of hurt feelings in our family, a chance to start anew.

Rest in Peace, my father.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying, no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine.

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And so, the day ends. Pammy told me he was gone while I stood in my gorgeous sage green and white office while I held Jade's old cell phone to my ear. I shut my door, sat in the guest chair in front of my desk and just hugged my legs... the tears sprung from my eyes and I could actually see them splash to the carpet below. She told me he was in no pain, they were all around him, she was crying and sobbing and I am not sure if I heard her words as much as I felt them. And as fast as she called, she left.. me, alone, 1000 miles away, alone in this state where I have adopted family but no real loved ones.

I tried to compose, as Marsha had to leave to take her husband to the cancer doctor this afternoon. She unlocked the door and hugged me, and let me cry a bit, and comforted me. When she left later, she told me she loved me. I alternated between feeling that I was out of body and feeling panicky to just plodding along, copying the church bulletin, folding them and putting on the mailing labels, when the inside cover caught my eye, listing that my father died today, in Maine.

and I lost it again.

My father, he is with his brothers, sisters and parents now. He is in no pain, and for that I am thankful. He is gone, and I have no father. And I feel about five years old right now and I would expect that my sister has drank enough Bailey's Irish Cremes and taken enough anti anxiety pills to cause an allergic reaction, yet she will sleep tonight. And on Friday, I will drive at 3:00 in the morning to take a plane home, have the visiting hours that night, and the funeral on Saturday.

My eyes hurt on fire, my cheeks sting from salty tears, and I have no idea how I am going to handle being at this. God, please be my strength.

my dad


My Dad.

July 10, 1930 - January 10, 2007

coin operated boy



That's what I am looking for. Someone to smooch.

right.

Truth is, I am so sick to death of guys that my journey towards mission work (cooler than a convent since I don' t want to be a Catholic) is closer than ever.

Yup, I am done. Or, at least done with men that decide to be needy and want to discuss our relationship... "you, bad, me, perfect" precisely during a crisis that I am going through. When normal human beings would gently offer support, not push, wait to bring up issues... I tend to attract the people that freak out when the focus isn't on them because... say, I've just returned from a stressful trip home to visit dying father? finished a grueling few weeks of the busiest work season? deal with having oldest child go off to college while still grieving father dying a 1000 miles away?

Yes, I am done with men like that. I am honestly really now getting the fact that I am not a despicable person after all ... one that that strings men around and won't commit to them... I am just choosing people that continue to drain me emotionally. I support, I smile, I help, I try hard to be there when needed... and when I am hurting, I get handed the golden platter of complaints. "You don't call, you don't come over, you don't stay with me long enough, you don't make an effort, ..... you don't... you don't." Never the list of what I do right, always what I do wrong.

Is it truly this hard? Shouldn't love be easy, and "treat others the way you want to be treated"? I am not discounting the help that these men give, for they usually do, sometimes giving so much material things to the point that you feel like your are bought. but when it comes to pushing someone to the brink of climbing the walls of stress, they rank as champions.

I give up.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Coincidences, Serendipity, Life and Death

At work today, I got a phone call from my brother in law, Joe; I had just run across the street to get chicken salad lunch plates from Lee's restaurant, and had left late because of talking... had I left on time, I would have gotten his call unprepared... serendipity. Marsha told me he called, I was able to breathe, prepare, shore up for when he called back.

And, he called to say that my Dad is very ill, and expected not to make it. They have called me with that before, but this time, I think it may be "the time". Rev. Terry and Marsha were concerned, and came into my office after to see about me... and, I was able to be calm, not break down. Until I described what it like to say goodbye to him, knowing that was the last time he would know me, and perhaps the last time I would see him living. How he looked at me so long, just looked and looked at me... he knew I was driving back to SC, knew me. He knew me.

And, so, I composed myself. Because, I choose life each time. I choose light. I choose to smile rather than frown. Although, I know I need the darkness, the crying, the down.

I called, found out more tonight, and feel that it may indeed be his last days/hours on this planet. Did he make peace? Did he atone? Does he feel that he has accomplished all he was wanting to do in this life?

I think of this as I search for flights home, as I listen to music to distract me from the uncertainty of when, what to do, how to handle the situation of bringing the kids or leaving them with family, etc. I put on the Weepies, and attempt to play "Somebody Loved".. and it loads with that name on the title, yet, it plays a different song entirely, one I didn't know. I look it up, and find it is somehow interchanged and for that moment in time the scramble gave me a song called "Gotta Have You"by the Weepies, and, I cry. *

I cry for not having the Dad of my fairy tales, cry for losing the one I am about to lose.

I cry for not having a husband that loves me.

I cry for breaking up with my best friend, the only true friend I have down here.

I cry for being exhausted 24/7 from not sleeping.

I cry for being overwhelmed with bills and broken stuff that I cannot fix, and issues I can't resolve

I cry for all the days I smile and be upbeat for others, and not get that in return when I need it most

I cry for holding it in too long

I cry for the sugar I eat to make me feel better that changes my body

Yet

I am grateful for the song that made the tears come

I am grateful for my job that fulfills me so much

I am grateful to have a roof over my head, a car to drive, and food to feed my kids.

I am grateful that I had that best friend for all these years, and that he has the chance to find the girl that will fulfill the requests I could not.. ie, being more available and more relationship focused

I am grateful for the beauty of nature, the sun and the moon

I am grateful for the awesome health of my children, and my mother

I am grateful for the abundance of the cosmos that always provides when I need it most

I am grateful.

And, I may fly home, for the circle of life continues and there is a season for every purpose under Heaven.

* Lyrics for The Weepies
"Gotta Have You"

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

my kids



My Kids Make My Christmas



At 15, 14, and soon to be 18, they are all taller than me

sometimes they think smarter than me

but always, always in my heart no matter what I do

it's with them in mind.

Merry Christmas


Saturday, December 09, 2006

Best Song to Dance to EVER

because songs from junior high matter



and of course, this...

......home.........I guess I'm already there...........




This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) (originally recorded by Talking Heads)

Home
Is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me 'round
I come home
Born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun

But the less we say about it the better
Let's make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the clouds
I'm okay I know nothing's wrong
Hi Ho - Got plenty of time.....
Hi Ho - Got light in your eyes.....

And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up and say goodnight , Say goodnight.....

Home
Is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home
You lifted up your wings
I guess this must be the place

Because I can't tell one from another
Did I find you or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks this is where I'll be

Hi Ho - We drift in and out.....
Hi Ho - Sing into my mouth.....

And out of all those kinds of people
You've got a face with a view
And I'm just an animal looking for a home
To share the same space for a minute or two

Will you love me until my heart stops?
Will you love me until I'm dead?

You've got eyes that light up
Eyes that look through
Cover up the blank spot
Hit me on the head
Say goodnight.....
Say goodnight.....
Say goodnight.....

********************************************************************************

This song is so indescribably beautiful. I listened to it almost daily the fall before we left my home, my Maine. I find myself seeking it out again, now in the twelfth year and same month that we arrived.
"Home
Is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home
You lifted up your wings
I guess this must be the place"
We are supposed to be exactly where we are all the time, and we will be taught why we are there by our experiences and our lessons. I am here for a reason, and I have given up the struggle to challenge it. I feel that this song resonates for me so strongly because there is a part of me that feels that I am here for a short time... be it 99 years, it is still short... and that I am supposed to be doing something and I feel that there is not enough time. I have chosen this life, and I am grateful for the good parts and the happy parts that I have had thus far. I do feel that longing for closeness, for comfort and peace. I feel that may come after my passing, and I am okay with that.

Just to be lifted up by wings, I long for that.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

into somebody loved

I love this song, and someday I will sing it and mean it.


Somebody Loved - The Weepies

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved.

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved.

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you.

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved.

©2002 Deb Talan & Steve Tannen (ASCAP/BMI). All rights reserved.

hear it: somebody loved

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

d r i v e

This is what I looked at for 1000 miles up, and a 1000 miles back. Nothing but freaking traffic, road, yuck.

But, when I finally got there, Maine was as beautiful as ever and I am oh so glad I went.

I'll post more about the trip later, I am late as usual and need to get going with my day!!!! Why am I always 10 paces behind myself, I do believe I must be ADD. grrr

Kid #3



This is Jadie -baby, my youngest child. She turned 14 on July 31st, and is known for her wacky sense of humor and laughter. What can I say about this kid, other than she is an angel on earth? Seriously. She has done more to brighten all our world than anyone I have ever met. She is sweet, caring, funny, smart, I just can't say enough about her. That she is turning from a kid to a teenager is not as dramatic as it is for some parents, for she retains a childlike quality that will last throughout her life. She is so tender hearted to her friends, and fiercely protects the underdog. She is great at finding new music and photography. I am proud to be her Mum.

Monday, November 13, 2006

happy heart, heavy heart




I love my clogs.
That I painted with
left over paint
on shabby scuffed clogs.

I love my new necklace.
That I made from shells
and stones myself.

I love that my kids are healthy.
And happy, and loved.

I love warm autumn days with trees the colors of jewels.

I love that my sons are learning to play the guitar and challenge eachother to play "Stairway to Heaven" and Bob Marley.

I love that my daughter and her friend Amelia invited me to have coffee with them at their favorite coffee shop.

I love so very much.

But it all helps to mask the pain, and keep me busy enough to not slow down enough to realize that my father, the man I really don't know, is dying 1000 miles from me and I am too scared to call him.

We will drive to Maine probably this weekend, if all goes well, and it will be wrenching and sad and strange.

And yet, although I know better, and I have been warned, I am keeping it all bottled up inside and not allowing myself to cry over it.

Because I am guilty for not being there to help.

Because I am afraid that when I cry, I'll be crying for the dad I wish I had instead of the one I do have.

Because I know that is selfish.

Because I know that he is the product of a grandfather and father and countless other men before him that suffered from alcoholism, and that he has zero memory of half of why it's hard for me to be around him.

Because if I cry, I'll be vulnerable and I try so hard to be strong and tough and full of light and happiness.

So, I smile in the sunshine, and am melancholy in the light of the moon,

and I may drive up there to say goodbye.

This song is beautiful: I Never Saw Blue Like That Before