A mother's heart

There are times when you are a mother that your heart is so full of love for your child, that the membrane feels almost thin and close to the surface.

In the span of a few weeks, I have been to the depth and breadth of my heart's capacity with my children, and each time my chest aches with love, and my eyes fill with tears, my very soul cries out with gratitude for the chance to love these three precious people.

My eldest boy called me while I was at work. He was crying, and his voice with thick with pain and in my mind's eye, I could hear that his nose was red and running, and that he needed me to embrace him, although our distance prevents that now. A friend of his from his school, a classmate, had a baby only a few months old that died of S.I.D.S. He cried for her, for the sweet baby, and for himself. He said that the baby had been staying with the birth father and his family, and that she just didn't wake up from her nap. No one had the girl's number, so, they called my son. He, at just a little over 19 years of age, had to bear the saddest news of that girl's life, that her baby had died. You could hear the pain in my son's voice, his tears, and then he broke down. My arms ached to hold him, to comfort him. I did the best I could do, I told him that it was God's plan, that the baby may have had something wrong, or, that she just wasn't ready for this life at this time. That there was a reason for her life and her death. I shared the story of my miscarriage, between he and his brother, and that I felt I had just lost my only daughter. And that later, when things were right, I went on to have another healthy boy, and then, the girl that I felt I had lost with the miscarriage. That seemed to comfort him.

In a totally different kind of emotion, but just as strong, yesterday my baby child, my daughter, performed in her high school's version of "High School Musical". The girl that played the lead, Gabriella, wanted to compete in the school queen pageant, and that meant that she couldn't be there for the last of the six performances. As the stars aligned, my daughter was chosen to be the understudy, and she was so proud and excited. Before they went on, she and the lead "Troy", played by a senior with an amazing voice, did a last minute practice and then stood on the stage to sing. They hadn't sung together much prior to this, and my daughter's voice cracked with emotion and she started to get upset and nervous. After some tears, some fear, and a lot of energy letting, she went on to perform the sweetest rendition of the songs. I sat in the audience just bursting with pride. Her voice was so pure and so sweet, I started to cry. She looked so lovely, so poised, and it was as if she had grown up in a day. To see her so happy and smiling after the applause was truly a memory I'll keep in my heart forever.

Then, tonight, my middle boy spent driving me to church for the youth group, then back again, and took his girlfriend home. He found her brand new class ring on the coffee table of our house, so he said he'd better bring it to her. As he backed his small Honda out, either the bottom edge of the car or the tire struck our oldest cat, age 15, and she hobbled away. He came into the house so upset, and just beside himself. We found her under the house, and picked her up with a towel and laid her on a soft fake fur blanket on the love seat. She cannot get comfortable, and I cried myself wondering if she will make it through the night. Certainly her age has a great deal to do with this injury. My son was so upset, and didn't seem to know what to say. He, my middle child, has had the misfortune of being the one that hit her... there is a long standing joke about how she literally will not leave the driveway when a car enters, it becomes comical. As he stood by her side, I just embraced him for a long, long time. He seemed to just melt in my embrace, every bit of his tall, thin body seemed to change back to that of a small child all over again. After, all he could muster was, " thank you Mama."


My babies. So much taller than me, all in their teens and so responsible- when I feel their joy and their pain, it is as if they are transported back to the days when they were by my knees as toddlers. I feel so honored that I was chosen to be their Mom.